Timber!

We're going for
something small this year

Tomorrow we're decorating the kraken cave with a Christmas tree. I tell you this because it might be useful information when the police ask for witnesses. Personally I'd put the tree up at 9pm on Crimbo Eve and then saw up the fucker at 9am on Boxing Day but with Kraken Junior in her fully festive mode that's out of the question. 
Ironically, I used to love shoving an expensive spruce into the corner of the living room and festooning it with flammable tat. Now, while I long to love the day of erection (as it were) I know that doing it with a three year old who's stamping on baubles/ chewing tinsel/ crying because the fairy is the wrong shade of pink is a complete and utter fucker. Yes, it should be a day of great joy where we share the hanging of lights, conjure up fabulous displays of glitter and then gaze adoringly at our creation as it twinkles but c'mon will you? It's more likely to end as it did last year with me sobbing on the doorstep while stabbing myself in the foot with the sharpest plastic star I could find.
And that's the thing about Crimbo with kids isn't it? Yeah, it's a joy to see how excited they get at seeing Santa and to watch their faces on Crimbo morn. Yet it's also a complete bastard when they refuse to eat their turkey dinner because the stuffing isn't the right colour and throw an almighty wobbly at 3pm because exhaustion has stolen their brains.
It's the same business with the tree. In my imagination it's a scene from a Bing Crosby festive bonanza. In reality it's just a scene from, well, Bonanza. Except where the Injuns win. 
Now go dial 999 and forewarn the police. And tell them to bring a chainsaw.