Write Off

I hope you're ashamed, man

You know the author, Dan Brown? He of such laughable tomes as The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons? Well his writing is such vile and ridiculous piffle, so cliched, predictable and - pardon the technical jargon - shite that he makes me want to kick holes in the fabric of the universe in the hope that he'll be sucked through one into a parallel universe where bad authors get terrorised by the very cobblers that they've unleashed upon the world. 
Anyway, why am I mentioning this now? Because an article in one of today's newsrags, about the glorious CERN, spoke of Brown's description of the place in one of his assaults on literature. He talks of its "voluminous lobby...its bluish glass roof shimmering in the sun" and calls it a "glass cathedral" to science.
Well I call that a crock. I was in CERN back in May and it sure as shit didn't look like that to me. In fact it looked like an abandoned 70s comprehensive school taken over by wombles. As fabulous as the place is - and, by fuck, it is as fabulous as fabulous gets - Brown's description is several light years away from reality.
This just confirmed in my mind that Brown is to literature what Peter Sutcliffe is to human rights. I recall trying The Da Vinci Code when it first spewed onto the nation's shelves and got no more than 20 pages in before my brain fizzled at the appalling rape of the English language that this tome constituted. 
Perhaps, when CERN has mastered the quantum universe, we can use the knowledge to our own ends to avenge Brown's evil. Or perhaps we can just shove him into the LHC, making him and his work travel in opposite directions at almost the speed of light, colliding them until they disappear up each other's arses. Now how's that for the wonderful miracle of science?