Bap Attack

Classy girl, her

Could someone do me a favour and remove Loose Women’s DeniseWelch from the public eye? Because if she flashes her tits one more time I’mgoing to have to remove my own eyes, decontaminate them, encase them inconcrete and bury them a mile below the surface of the earth for the next onehundred years.
What the fuck is wrong with the woman that she has to keepflashing her saggy funbags at photographers? Christ, it wouldn’t be so bad ifthey were a magnificent paean to the wonders of the female form but, let’s befair, they’re not. They swing in thewind and are encased in flesh coloured bras. I know this. I have seen them overand over again, as has the rest of the poor, sobbing nation.

Anyway, that’s besides the point. The real conundrum is whatmakes a fifty-something successful woman whip out her knockers at any givenopportunity? It reeks so badly of desperation, insecurity and some wild cravingfor the front pages that it’s actually distressing to watch. And no, it’s notabout women reclaiming their bodies, grasping equality from men and beingballsy and life-loving. There are ways of doing that which don’t involveforcing your dignity through a cheese grater, which is what Welch seems to doevery time she leaves the house.

Look, I’m not a fanof Welch anyway, mainly because I’m not a fan of the show Loose Women.  It’s like a lunchtime parade of screeching fishwivesthat makes me wonder how much more damage womens’ rights can take before menattempt to lock us back up in our kitchens.

This bap parading,though, is doing the equivalent of taking womens’ hard-won equality and rubbingits face in the dirt. Girls, you want to be accepted in the boardrooms of thenation? You want to reach the giddy heights of senior management? You want toclaim the Cabinet for your own? Well, whatever you do, don’t ask Welch for hersupport. She’d forsake intellectual argument and negotiation for dragging her oft-seennips across the shag pile of the boardroom floor. Classy, Welch, classy.

There can’t be a soul on the planet who doesn’t witness Welch’santics with a giant, internal ‘ouch’. It’s cheap and nasty and whether it’s asymptom of her personal turmoil or not she has to show mercy and stop.

Den, love, just take a breath, have a think about whetherthis is how you want to be remembered and tuck the tits away. I’m sure there’sa clever, engaging, intelligent woman in there somewhere. You just have to openyour mind to find her, not your top.