Tits Up

This is more like it

Tell me, are you as sick of seeing Lady Ga Ga's fun bags as I am? And Rihanna's ladygarden? And Nicki Minaj's tag nuts? Christ, every time I turn on a music channel (pick one, any one) I'm treated to a continuous loop of one of the above striptease artistes, sorry, singers. Apart from the fact that none of them ever seems to take a fucking day off it's clear that none of them ever gets fully dressed either. 

Look at Ga Ga. When she's not dressed as a medium sized, free range bantam egg she's in knickers that are made from garden twine and a bra the size of a wet wipe. Same goes for Rihanna. For fuck's sake, is someone permanently stealing their luggage? Did their wardrobes burn down? Or do they have some allergic reaction to dignity? Just get dressed, will you? I want to hear you sing, not see your five week muff stubble.
It's not just that they're permanently nekkid but that they flaunt it so fucking violently. It's wagging arse cheeks and juggling knockers at any given moment. Take the astounding looking Minaj. She's like a blow-up doll brought to life, a wank-inducing Pinocchio. She is this close to advertising her rates and phone number, for fuck's sake.
Perhaps it's spawning Kraken Junior that turned me all Whitehouse-like but what do I tell her when she asks me why the singing women are naked? That it's so they can sell, sell, sell? Fuck me, how's that for a lesson for life?


Voice Over

Just like Culshaw:
the wrong kind of impressionist

Is it just me or is John Culshaw (the laughably titled impressionist) shit? It says it all that he starts each impression by naming who he is 'doing'. "I'm Simon Cowell" or "I'm David Beckham" or "I'm a BBC lapdog who churns out utter bollocks for the less discerning gimps, or viewers, as they like to be called, because I'm so fucking desperate for fame". And even if he doesn't have to name that tune, he spends the rest of every skit spoonfeeding whichever poor bastard is watching him by leaving such leaden-footed clues about his impression that Helen Keller could work it out. At least there's one impression that he's good at though, and that's being dumbed the fuck down.